We give thanks for the job, the house, our health, the food on the table and the people sitting around it. In church, we may thank God for opening doors, answering prayers and providing when we did not know how we were going to make it. There is nothing wrong with being thankful for any of those things. But what happens when something that once appeared on your gratitude list disappears?
I was disappointed with God. It is difficult for me to admit that because I knew better. I knew God had never promised me a life without hardship. I knew faith was not supposed to operate like a contract. But I also thought I had done everything I was supposed to do. I went to school. I got good grades. I stayed out of trouble. I earned a college scholarship.
I graduated, got good jobs and built valuable work experience. I went to church. I tithed. I did not shake my fist at God and demand to know why. I did not stop believing in Him. But I stopped tithing. At the time, I probably would not have described that decision as anger toward God. Looking back, I can see what was underneath it.
I had been giving to God while quietly expecting something in return. I thought faithfulness should count for something. If I worked hard, lived right, gave faithfully and tried to be a good person, shouldn't my life reflect that? Eventually I had to confront an uncomfortable truth. God was not quid pro quo. I was a quid pro quo believer.
Somewhere along the way, I had turned faith into an unspoken transaction: Do the right things and God will bless you. Give and God will give back. Pray and God will answer. Be faithful and